Being a full time student, working two jobs, and still trying to attend church on a regular basis (and actually pay attention to what’s happening) and have a relationship with God (which is lacking somewhat…I’m terrible), the little things are starting to matter more and more.

I have a Bible reading program and it’s just four chapters a day…and yet I still fall behind.  I continually pray/talk to God throughout the day, but I don’t have quiet time with Him (my fail I know…but I seldom have quiet time to pee).  I’ve stopped my gym membership, I’ve resorted to doing squats while brushing my teeth and push-ups against the counter before/after brushing my hair.  During my study time if I take a break, I try to throw some leg lunges and weights into the mix.  I’m actually typing this as I lay in bed with the lights out, because it’s actually bed time but I just put the books away so I thought I would share some thoughts ~ since my mind is going a zillion miles a minute.

There are some things that I take for granted, some big some small…yet I want them to matter more than anything:

1.  God.  He gives me breath, love, mercy.

2.  Family.  They love me even when I’m cranky or not the best person I should/could be.  They are there when I need them (to change tires, fix faucets, etc)

3.  Having time to shave my legs.  ~ not that big of a deal until you realize that it’s been about a week, because that extra 5 minutes in the shower can be spent either sleeping or reading a few paragraphs in a book.

4.  Flossing my teeth.  I promote ‘self-care’ as a nursing student, yet I fail miserably in keeping ‘self’ cared for.

5.  Having love and understanding from that one person in our lives that basically drives us insane. ~ One day I will either get it, or be released from it

6.  Friends.  Even though they may not be close, or there to talk to…they are a phone call/text away and the true ones pull through for you when you need it.  (I want to be a true friend)

(Side note:  When one of the above happen, or something falls into place for that day…it’s like you can actually feel the light shinning down from heaven and the hallelujah song being sung.  You feel like you almost have things together)

I take so much in my life for granted.  I’m so crazy busy right now with a plate loaded down with due dates for projects, clinical, and other homework; seasoned with a good supply of anxiety and fear that I won’t make it through this semester to continue on my journey (as we all struggle with testing and information overload)…but I want to be able to stop and smell the roses.  It’s all part of that ‘self’ care that we promote as student nurses.  Exercise, deep breathing, relaxation, time for self.  It’s the little things…

Sometimes I put myself into situations hoping that it will get me a crumb from the table of someone that my mind has built up as someone important.  I do what I can to help them out when they need it, and try to do what I think/thought was right.  It puts me in a position to be ridiculed by others, because they see a bigger picture and know more of the other story lines involved.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I KNOW, but then I realize that I probably don’t know everything.  But yet, I want the little things to matter, to mean something.

One day I will see my dreams and hopes come to fruition.  My little/big things will also matter to someone else and will be their little/big thing list too.  But until that day arrives (if it arrives), I want to start making the little/big things matter in my life now.  To appreciate them, not take them so much for granted.  It’s one day at a time, and I may not always succeed or conquer this grand idea of mine…but it’s the little things…

ERM

Ah, the day of LOVE.  What better time to let those around you know that you love them, regardless of what they may do ~ or what you may do ~ that would possibly contradict the fact that you truly do love them.

Not only our mortal beings, but also the One that loves us unconditionally.  John 3:16:  “For God so loved the world that He gave…”  Sometimes we forget this tidbit.  God loved us enough to give His son for our sins…and we trample over that love.  We take it for granted and abuse it (or at least I know I do).  It’s time to start giving.  Give of your time, your money, your energy…of ‘self’.  Sometimes it’s easy to give of our money, we drop a few dollars in the collection box/can and don’t give it another thought.  It’s time to give of ourselves…to be willing to be available to those around us.  It may be inconvenient sometimes and we may rather give of monetary items.  But if we call ourselves ‘christian’ how can we not model ourselves after our Creator and give?  He gave His all ~ His life ~ how can we do less?

It’s a struggle I have, to show love.  It means you have to be vulnerable and trust.  Two issues I have and am working on.  Hopefully one day I will be able to be Christ like and able to give of myself unconditionally.  So on this day of ‘love’ I look inward and reevaluate my thoughts and processes and consider the True Love of the world…and I will strive to be more like Him (not saying it’s going to happen overnight and I’ll just ‘poof’ be fixed and perfect…it’s a process folks).

Happy Valentine’s Day Everyone…let your loved ones know they’re loved.  Let those around you know they are loved, you may be that ‘umph’ someone needs to make it through their day.

God is Love…share that!!

ERM

Wow.  That’s pretty much all I can say right now.  Regardless of how you say it (frontward or backward) it’s still the same expression.  There has been so much that has transpired over the past month that my head is spinning.  I went back to school for my second semester of RN school, and I’m pretty sure that my head could possibly explode.  I understand that I am an adult learner, that I got into this program knowing that it would be hard, difficult, and taxing…but, I’m a ‘monkey see, monkey do’ adult learner.  If I’m shown how to do something, given pointers on how it’s done, and walked through the steps of how to do something I most of the time grasp what is going on.  I don’t do well with being thrown into a situation, expecting to know how to do something that I’ve never done before.  But alas…that’s my life as an adult learner.  This could very well be the death of me. :)  I’m still taking it one day at a time, trying to figure a way to quit my job and just do school full time…but not lose my house, car, or sanity.  I’ve basically killed the Rain Forest so far this semester and it’s only been a month.  I’ve participated in several discussion boards, have several more to accomplish this weekend before our test on Monday, and my goal on my next Wal-Mart trip is to buy a 5 inch binder because my three is already to small.  It’s going to be a long semester…and yet here I type on this rather than reading about schizophrenia.

We had some awesome church this past month with Rev. Tony Stoddart from Joplin, MO.  He is a walking testimony that God can take you through the fire and you still stand strong on the other side.  His family has dealt with the judicial system, a tornado that wiped their city out that in turn made them lose some of their church, and a four wheeler accident that turned their child’s life upside down.  Yet, Bro. Stoddart stood in front of us and told us how ‘faithful’ God is.  About the ‘King that Lives in Me’.  About a “change of reference point” that is required to stop thinking about the past and focusing on the future.  That we just have to ‘keep plowing’, we may get tired but we have to preserver.  We need to ‘Look Who’s Holding the Baby’ and to ‘Nourish It’ no matter what, it’s ours and we have this gift that we have been given.  We may need to separate ourselves from some things…but it has life and we need to let it grow.  It was a great two weekends that we were privileged to have him in our church.

My friend, Kim, had her baby on Monday, 2/6.  She was 28 weeks along and by the grace of God was saved by a nurse that was reviewing her chart and realized that she could possibly have HELLP Syndrome.  Some crazy stuff.  BUT, the baby was perfectly formed, strong, and was names Gyddeon Andre…a mighty warrior.  Scary stuff, but an awesome turnout.

<– The mighty Gyddeon Andre Frost :)

Following is the story of the picture…taken by his dad:

Just got back from seeing my mighty warrior…i love him so much……..i was talking to him and reading outta bible and told him people across the nation was praying and about many lives he’s already touched and that we were going to have prayer before I left and stuck my hand finger in there and he reached up and grabbed my hand. — Bronson Frost

Well, I need to be wrapping this up…still have a paper on Schizophrenia to do before tomorrow morning and I’ve wasted enough time venting…plus my arm is going numb and I need to do some exercises.  My brain is having issues the past couple of weeks, not sure how much is stress related, MS related, or just dumbness.  I will not allow myself the crutch of ‘illness’ to rule my life, but I do need some relief and a way to remember things.  Two and 1/2 more semesters…I can do this. :)

Later..ERM.

The new year has arrived.  It’s crazy how fast it goes by.  Next year on this same date, I will be getting ready to start my final semester of school.  May 2013 will be my graduation…but I’m jumping ahead of myself a little bit.  I have twelve months of 2012 to live through first.  With all the ups and downs that come with life, I’m looking forward to what this year has in store for me.

Here’s to the year to come and the year that has just past!

ERM

Dear family, friends, and random stranger that may be reading this…

Merry Christmas!!  I cannot believe that it is this time of year again, 2011 is almost over and it seems like just yesterday that we were ringing in the new year.  So much and so little has happened this year that I do not know where to start.  At one time I was a great corresponder, I would write out Christmas cards make my ‘holiday’ letter and send them to people I barely knew as long as your address was in my address book and I kinda/sorta knew you.  Now you’re lucky if you get a ‘howdy’.  I’m terrible.  I’m also a broke college student with very little time on my hands; therefore I’m going the easy route and writing a blog that I will make available to everyone (via email, facebook, or if you know my web address) and I’ll call it even ~ though for those that sent me cards and letters I do feel guilty for not returning the favor.  Just know that you are WORTH .44 cents, the cost of an envelope and paper to me…but to get you updated and to wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year within this year, this was my route I had to take.  (Please forgive me!!)

This year was very random and also structured for me.  After finally deciding what I wanted to be when I grew up, at the age of 33,  I started the year off by testing for the RN Nursing program at Three Rivers College.  I tested in February and then had to wait until April to find out if I made it into the program; that was a VERY long two months.  I finally received my acceptance letter and knew that fall of 2011 was planned out for me; I would be starting the RN nursing program and hopefully the career that would take me into retirement.  I started the semester in August, and I’m pretty sure I will never be the same.  I knew it was going to be hard, and the work load was going to be more than in the past, but can honestly say that I was not prepared for what hit me that first morning of classes…nor the four months that followed.  Every day was a learning experience, with some highs and lows.  But I made it!!  I passed my first semester and we will continue on.

This is the uniform I get to wear for clinical days during school.  It’s better than some, and probably worse than some.  The top is a half-zipper shirt, instead of unzipping all the way down, it stops at about navel level…therefore you’re still pulling it off over your head.  Sometimes I feel like a gym contortionist.  And don’t miss the WHITE hose and shoes that top the outfit off, they add that special umph.  :)

In June my mom’s family (The Phillips) did a family reunion in Van Buren, MO.  It was great getting to meet everyone and spend the day/weekend with them.  Family is a great commodity!!  Some of her cousin’s couldn’t make it down for the reunion, so in July we hopped in the car and did a mini-vacation to Michigan to spend Fourth of July weekend with the Rowe’s.  It was a GREAT weekend spent with family, eating way to much food, adding a ‘CITY’ to my list of places I’ve been, and relaxing.

School started shortly after and I basically did nothing but eat, breath, and live school.  It was so bad that I didn’t step into a store other than Wal-Mart for four months.  In December (actually October when practices started), I took the part of Petunia in the annual Dinner Theater our church does (Christmas At Our House), we went for nine nights with approximately 350/night.  So we performed in front of about 3100 people that week, the women in the kitchen feed them (that’s A LOT of food), and the hard working people from the church pitched in and gave of themselves to bring joy to people in our community to kick off their Christmas season.  Sometimes I question my own sanity in taking on that endeavor with everything else (school, two jobs, and life in general); but it was worth it.  I love getting to see everyone from year to year, and being in the play is a lot of fun…and I survived so it’s all o.k. :)

When school let out after finals I took another mini-vacation to St. Louis and Columbia, MO.  I took a side trip to Devils ]Icebox one day.  It was a great time to relax, bum around the city, and do nothing.  Trying to regroup so I can start fresh com January 17 (when classes open again).  The time in God’s Country USA (otherwise known as National Forest), was great.  It was beautiful.

That wraps up my year of 2011.  Hope you enjoyed the update.  I would like to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!  May we never forget the meaning of the Season, and give Him the acknowledgement He deserves for all He does for us behind the scenes and openly; not only during this Season but throughout the year.  God has been good to me this year, He has supplied my needs (financially and physically) and He has been there to help me through the lows and to walk with me through the highs of the past year.  Without Him I would be nothing.  I may not always be what I need to be, or the perfect person…but I know that He loves me.

I do hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas and New Year…

ERM

Well, my life isn’t so much in two’s anymore…we’ve accomplished our nine night dinner theater with positive feedback from the crowd’s.  We survived, as far as I know, and are now walking zombies with real life ahead of us the next couple of days.  I have my nursing final tomorrow, that I have yet to really study for (yikes), and then final conferences, and then ~ HOLD YOUR BREATH ~ DRUM ROLL ~ I have a five day stint of being a hermit.  I kick it off with a visit to my doctor in STL then I’m finding me some fuzzy pj’s and some books (non nurse related) and going to hide out at a friend’s house for four days doing absolutely nothing.

We did a post-play cast party at Steak-n-Shake last night (for those w/o children) with some other friends/workers of the cast and crew…at midnight.  Kinda crazy I know, I’m getting to old for this.  But my peppermint shake was very tasty and it was great getting to relax and hang out with friends.  Then of course we had to hit Wal-Mart; if you go to PB you have to go to Wally-World ~ we have nothing else. :)

Things that went down while we were immersed in CAOH:

Albert Pujols left the Cardinals.  It was actually very humorous to see the reactions of all the ‘fans’ about this.  My take on the situation:  He’s getting older, who in their right mind would not lock in a ten year deal where they are making $25 mil MORE than they are now, have the guarantee to get paid regardless if he plays or not, and will more than likely be a DH getting paid that much.  Is the price crazy?  Yes.  Do I wish I could make that much a year doing something that I like with thousands of people cheering me on?  Yes.  I see it as a win for Pujols ~ he secured his future.  We’re still the Cardinals regardless of who is on the team…and we’ll be just as good/bad without him as we were with him.  Go CARDS!!!

I took two HESI exams (something like achievement test in grade school) and I passed them.  I have found that I will more than likely not be a first responder nurse; I have issues picking the ‘What I Will Do First’ option of the answers ~ that was a low point in my overall grading.  But other than that I will be a safe nurse, follow the rules, and have great patient care…according to the test.

Well…I’ve wasted enough time.  My dryer buzzer is telling me it’s time to get moving, my clock is telling me I’m going to be late for church, and my mind is mush and not sure what I’m typing anymore.  Hope everyone has a great week, I’m looking forward to mine ~ final and all!!

ERM

This coming Thursday is Thanksgiving.  We’re getting together with my mom’s family, at my house, so I need to get a scrubbing, because it’s in dire need of some freshening up. :)   Should be a good time of kickin’ back, relaxing, and eating way to much food.  But what else are Holiday’s for?

I’ve been doing a ’30 Days of Thankfulness’ on Facebook, each day putting what I’m thankful for.  I started off on a roll, but one the basics were gone (family, church, job, car), I hate to say this but it’s getting hard to think of things to put down.  Yes I’m thankful, but a majority of the stuff is lumped into categories and sometimes I miss the simple basic things.  I still have half a month to do…things could get creative. :)

This past week has been beyond crazy.  One day I was on cloud nine, feeling good about a lot of stuff, even received a random text that made me smile.  I should have known that the wind was about to be sucked out of my sails.  I ended the week rowing my little ol’ heart out…I believe I got caught in a riptide and I just kept going in circles.  One day it will all be worth it.  Hopefully as I continue on this journey some things will get weeded out and I will find some peace.  Maybe I’ll get weeded out and others will have peace. :)  Life is crazy, and it’s stuff like this that keeps one going…with ulcers. LOL.

Looking forward to the coming weeks.  Christmas At Our House starts in twelve days.  TWELVE DAYS!!  I must get busy learning my lines. :)  When CAOH ends, so does our semester, then I’m headed to STL for some R&R and a doctor appointment.  Ready for some time off.  One day at a time, one day at a time.

Later,

ERM.

So much stuff has happened over the past couple of weeks.  Sometimes I don’t know if I’m coming or going.  One thing I DO KNOW is that we only have four Monday classes left, and a final on our fifth Monday, for our first semester of RN nursing school ~ and that makes me a happy camper. :)  Looking back to August 17 and the knowledge I have gained since then, I’m amazed.  Some I’m not one-hundred percent comfortable with, if they turned me lose tomorrow I would be TOTALLY lost, and sometimes I still feel like I flounder around a bit…but each day is a learning process and I’m learning a little bit more as we go.

Now onto my title…what motivates me.  I want to be healthy, and with the MS it’s even more important that I take care of my body and exercise and try to eat right.  BUT I think my motivation came from wanting to be skinny and here lately I just don’t care. :)  I’ve been a terrible eater lately, and I’m only going to the gym about twice a week.  I still am motivated to go, but I think if my mentality goes back to the healthy standpoint instead of the desire to be skinny that it will be easier.  It’s very easy to decide that being skinny isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and I will just be fat…whereas if I want to be healthy for a lifelong goal/endeavor it will change my outlook on ‘having’ to give up all the good food that has become a comfort to me the past month as I trudge through the final part of semester one. :)

So here’s to being HEALTHY and not just skinny!! <clink, clink> :)

Need to run…have a care plan, an assessment, and a journal to write.  Oh the joys!

ERM

Is it wrong for me to anticipate Christmas so much?  Maybe.  Because possible it’s not really Christmas that I am anticipating but the fact that I will have three full weeks off school.  I will be able to sleep, eat, and rest without the worry of a book that has to be read or a skill that has to be learned.  Today we did naso-gastric tubes (NG) and feedings…I had the opportunity to feed through the NG tube with a syringe.  I got to go first…they said “well start at the bottom” (of our list of names on the wall)…I’m in the number ten slot for my clinical group.  My stomach fell a little and I felt like I was going to hurl my Oatmeal Squares I had for breakfast.  But once I was done…I was done.  I had all day to prepare for tomorrows lab, CATHETERS.  We watched some videos, they looked a little painful.  :)  I have two labs left.  I’m getting really excited for Christmas. :)

I made a B in my Geriatrics class, not the A I’m used to having…but I passed and this whole way of teaching and learning threw me for a loop the first part of the semester.  I’m happy (or at least accepting) of what I got.  So onward ho!  Carp Diem!  All those little cliches that can be stated that will get me through.  One day at a time!  One day…one day soon in the near future I will be finished.  It may go faster or way slower than I want…but one day.

Last week we had fall break.  I had three whole days that I did not have to get up and go to class.  I did homework in the mornings and went to work a little earlier.  It was nice.  I didn’t get everything done I had hoped (homework wise); but it was a good week.  I spent Friday at the cabin in Van Buren, playing on the water and relaxing.  We kayaked, went on boat rides, played in the woods…had a good day.

God’s Country:
I’m in our church’s annual dinner theater, Christmas at Our House this year.  With my schedule for school and everything else going on people as how I’m going to do it.  My answer at this point is that.  I’ll make it.  It will be fun…and it’s closer to Christmas and my break.

Christmas is coming…soon. :)

ERM

We completed our second week of school this past Thursday, with a not so good outcome.  Not a good experience, but one that I have definitely learned from and will do better going forward.

This whole process has been very eye opening and has taken some adjustments.  They all said ‘it’s going to be hard’, ‘prepare to live, eat, and drink it’, ‘you’ll have no life once you start the program’.  They knew what they were talking about, but I don’t think they took into account if you owned a home, were single, had to work, and had medical bills on top of your school bills to pay out of pocket on a part time income.  It’s all VERY stressful.  But fortunately for me, I’ve been blessed.  I received a scholarship that will cover the cost of my books, I was given a student loan (which I have to pay back eventually…but at least I will have some ‘cushion’ in the bank in case my ends don’t meet); I’ve had family and friends give me financial gifts that have helped tremendously, and as a big kicker one of my medical bills is being reduced.  God is good!!  He will take care of me, I just need to let him.

Th whole study, teaching, thought process of this program is totally different than any I have been in before.  It’s definitely not black/white and you have to think outside of the box on a lot of things.  I think the program itself is a teaching mechanism because nursing is not black/white; each patient you have will be different than the last.  Even though they may have the same illness they will take to different treatments and procedures differently ~ we have to be able to handle each situations as it is and adapt to the fact that even though it’s the same, it’s different.

I’ve designated Thursday as ‘cry night’ if need be.  I don’t have classes on Friday this semester, so Thursday night is one that I can relax just a little and it’s not cram time or I don’t have to worry about having something done for the next morning.  When my body relaxes apparently the only thing it can do is have water seepage from my tear ducts, and I cry.  The stress from the week hits and it’s like…’oh wow, I made it’.  Fourteen more weeks!!

Well, though it’s been great venting a little and sharing…it’s time for me to go work for a bit and then hit the books.  My first big test is Monday (one out of four for my class grade in Geriatrics).  One thing…life is never dull anymore.

Later…ERM.