It’s the Lord’s day, a day of rest.  My internal alarm clock knows no different from the other days of the week…so therefore I’m up at 6:30.  That’s actually kinda sleeping in for me, sad I know, but hey we’ll take it.  Since my last post so much stuff has happened, I know I say that a lot but my life right now is so busy that a ton of stuff happens in a week and some I forget and some things are seared on my brain to be forever remembered.

I turned 35.  I know, I’m getting old.  I don’t really have anything to show for my age.  I’m not married, I don’t have children, I don’t have a job that I went to college for.  Instead I’m currently in school again, working two jobs to support myself, getting gray hair, single, own a home I’m trying to sell, and battling the bulge.  What have I done?  I went to a private Christian College and received a BA in Christian Education that I never used, and no one else will acknowledge (though I would not trade those four years for anything, I made friends that I still have contact with today ~ 12 yrs later); I’ve traveled all over the place (China, Taiwan, Argentina, Honduras, Ireland, Canada, and several of the states); and I’ve continued living my life as best I can.  Sometimes it has needed some tweaking, but we’re going “one day at a time”.

My friends, Kim and Bronson Frost, got to bring their baby home (in April).  Gyddeon was allowed to come home still weighing under 5 lbs, his pediatrician is very proud of him.  He is currently around 5.2 lbs, and doing great.  Our God is an awesome God!!

I’ve learned that a person’s psych is controlling.  Even if you don’t know it at the time, later when you have time to sit and think things through and evaluate what happened and how you reacted, you come to realize that the psych is a powerful thing.  I know that I’m not the perfect student, and I struggle (I’m a ‘monkey see, monkey do’ learner, and the program I am in is more focused on self actualization and self-teaching); my acute care training was almost my undoing.  We had isolation precautions, which means every time I went in a room I was dressing out in protective gear.  I’m on an immunosuppressive drug for my MS.  My doctor has assured me that I shouldn’t be more susceptible to sickness; but knowing that I kill my own immune system by taking Rebif so I can function somewhat normally, was hiding in the back of my head.  My normal instincts went on hold, I was unable to focus properly and do the critical thinking that should have been done without prompting.  I answered questions, and I did follow through when asked…but it was not my best performance.  Looking back, I realized that  protective gear and my psych could possibly have been playing against me more than I realized.  Or maybe I’m trying to think of excuses that will explain why my brain didn’t work fast enough that day, to come up with all the information that was needed.  Either way, I have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and put my big girl panties on and face the rest of this with the resolve that I CAN DO IT.

Next week is Mother’s Day.  The lady at Wal-Mart reminded me and a fellow classmate the other day.  We were like ‘huh’, and then explained that we were in school and at this point in time other things around us are not kept up with.  She said ‘are you in the nursing program’, and when we affirmed that we were she said ‘I have a friend that has asked for a reminder next Saturday, she’s in the program too…so I made a note to text her and remind her’.  We live a very sad existence, when friends have to text you about important things going on in the world to remind you that it’s happening.  But so is life.

I could continue typing for ever.  But it’s getting late (8:00 am); I have studying I could do (test on Monday) or I could get up and go to church and get the bulletin done before everyone arrives.  Then I would be in church for the whole service.  I need me some God time.  I’m so thankful that He loves me, and no matter how far off track I’ve been or have gone He’s still there calling my name and waiting with open arms.  He’s a good God, and without Him I would more than likely be certifiable insane right now.

ERM

I’m sitting here on a Friday night after possibly one of the most stressful weeks of my life, after spending the afternoon evening with my friends at Children’s Hospital and I am in awe.  But before I get to the good stuff let’s reminisce about the horrid week I have had…it’s therapeutic you know, to talk about and journal life experiences (so I’ve been taught).

This was a week from down under, and I’m not talking about Australia.  We had the prospect of Spring Break looming ahead of us but the only thing standing between me and a week off was check-off’s on medication administration, a final in Mental Health, final conferences, and a review game for the class to do to prepare for the test we have to do on Monday when we return from Spring Break. Chump change!!  It was enough to make a poor girl skip the ‘pre-alcoholic’ stage and go straight to ‘early’ or even chronic.  JUST KIDDING…everyone get your eyes back in your head and your mouths closed.  Self medicating with alcohol is never the answer, though it has been talked about frequently throughout the classroom at some point or another (it was one of our topics of education covered during the past 8 weeks).  There are other methods of exercise, screaming, crying, and just having complete silence that are also beneficial.

Prayer.  It is still in school.  How do I know this?  Well, on Thursday when we were all sitting down to take our final and were waiting on the teacher (after the previous two days of failed check-off’s and re-do’s and two of our classmates were now no longer with us) we were expected to sit and concentrate on an exam over eight weeks of information and pass…as a whole, our classroom joined hands and prayed.  We prayed for God’s guidance, strength, peace, and for Him to carry us through that test.  Did I ace the exam and make the grade I wanted in the class…no, but I did have a peace and reassurance during the exam and afterwards.

I made it through…and I headed north on Friday after my final conference with the teachers and that brings me to my title…”Fearfully and Wonderfully Made”.

My friend had her baby at 28 weeks due to some crazy disease called HELLP.  He weighed in at 1 lb 13 oz and 12 1/2 inches long at birth.  Gyddeon is currently 14 inches long and 2 lb 6 oz.  IT IS AMAZING!!  Normally when babies are born they are chubby with that nice ‘baby fat’, he is perfectly formed but you can ‘see’ the muscles.  He flexes his arm or leg and the muscle pops out, and it’s a hard mass perfectly formed and attached in all the right places.  You can physically see all the lines and markings.  Yes, he is tiny and still having some problems with heart rate and blood counts…but our GOD IS AWESOME!!  He has given this baby life, and all the fingers, toes, nails, and makings that are needed to live and be.  Gyddeon was so tiny, but beautiful.  There were babies EVERYWHERE, little miniature people being cared for by some of the best nurses ever…and I just stood back in awe.

The whole experience was pretty overwhelming.  When you can put your hand on a baby and it covers ‘the baby’, or when he grasped my finger his hand was the width of my pinky finger, from the last joint to the tip.  Yet he was living, breathing, and being. He was beautiful!!  It was a great ending to my week.  I totally enjoyed my time spent with his parents and a mutual friend Jessie.  We ate way to much food at the Cheesecake Factory, but it was all good. :)

The Miracle I had the opportunity of spending time with:

Looking forward to a week of a little less stress and quiet time.  So thankful for a God that loves us, and that knows us…from the moment we are conceived in the womb, we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

ERM

Today was the wrap up of my first week back into my (RN) Nursing career.  The end is getting closer…

Things I learned this week and things that happened:

1)  Things are easier when you’ve been totally petrified and stressed, or at least your body has adapted.

2)  This semester is going to be CRAZY, I’m going to be all over the map and back ~ but it will be fun.

3)  Dollar Store pantyhose have NO SUPPORT at all, by the end of 8 hrs you have wrinkly ankles and can have six second tenting during a turgor test on the shin bone area ~ which proves dehydration. :)

4)  I was voted in as vice-president of my class!!  Working alongside EP and KP…it’s going to be a great experience.  AB is our faculty representative.

5)  It’s frowned upon when you spell Nursing as Nurseing on your binder cover.

Un-school related…

6)  I found out just how far a person can squat without actually sitting on the floor.

7)  Poo-Paper is not for everyone!  Support the Elephants, purchase poo-paper!!

We have some great teachers and I think this semester is going to be a good one…IF I can motivate my mind to get back into the books.  It’s amazing what a month will do to study skills and responsibilities.  I need to get motivated and fast, I have a test coming quick.

My brother went to the doctor today, they will possibly be changing his medications for the MS.  He started exercising about a month ago, and he had some improvement in his feet (Praise the Lord), now to just start working on the rest of him.  God’s a healer, I still believe that, but sometimes God’s time frame and method does not fit what our mortal minds think-up or desire.  We just have to continue trusting Him.

I started an exercise program this week made up for me by a local Personal Trainer, or one who has received his license and is helping me while I help him get training on how to train.  It’s a win, win.  The only losing I see going on is me and my eating habits.  One of the main things my trainer has pounded into my head is that you CANNOT OUT EXERCISE A BAD DIET.  Ok, maybe pounded is a harsh work…he’s spoken and emailed it to me about four times…but hey, for someone who likes her ice cream and cereal it felt like a pounding.  I can do really good for like three days then I have a CRASH day, and the recovery is hard.  My old motto used to be that I would work out so I could eat what I wanted…that’s also probably why I never saw any results.  I need a list of this is what you are eating today and nothing else type thing to get my stomach shrunk and a grasp on my whole weight control part of this training I’m doing.  I’m terrible.  My goal is to do better, we’ll see what happens.  The actual exercise is going well, I have muscles that I didn’t know existed.  If you properly perform squats, lunges, and push-ups…not to mention planks; a person can be sore.

It’s been a good week.  Now to just get going on everything and into the groove of study time and homework.

Until Later…

ERM

Yes, it’s that time again.  School starts on Tuesday (1/17), and I will be starting my second semester of RN school.  It seems unreal in one degree, and then on a totally different level I’m a little scared ~ what if I don’t make it, what if I mess up and don’t know my stuff?  But as my motto last semester was, ‘One day at a time’.  That’s the only way that I can make it, and it’s the only way to go.

I’ve been off school for about a month, there has been so much and so little that has happened.  I took a mini-vaca and went back to work full time; but other than that nothing went down this past month.  I was able to spend some time with friends and then realized that I don’t really have that many friends.  LOL.  During my first semester I thought that my study habits and full schedule of two jobs, school, and church kept me from having a full social schedule.  Apparently it’s that I don’t have anyone to be social with.  Everyone has either gotten married, had children, or started dating…leaving an older college student to drift.  But I’m making new friends and building relationships that will keep me sane.  One day at a time.

Things I was able to see/experience this month:  Sky lanterns: very cool ~ I was impressed with them.  Being a friend.  Finding out that a good family friend lost his son, who was my age, in a car accident.  There’s crazy diseases out there (i.e. Stevens-Johnson’s Syndrome) that happen to people you know.

I have come to realize over this past month that sometimes we live life to the fullest, giving our all to the One who gave us life and going at it one-hundred percent.  Sometimes we live life on the outskirts, not giving it our all, wanting to be what we know we ought but not completely succeeding…but trying.  And then sometimes we do what we can to hasten the end that we know we all will face not caring what happens, still going about our daily lives but barely living.  Other times we hit the spectrum of all three options, going from one extreme to the other with pit stops along the way.  I want to be all that I can be, and mainly what God wants me to be.  Do I always succeed at this?  NO.  Do I give it my one-hundred percent?  NO.  Most of the time I fail miserably.  I do hope that I get it figured out eventually, and that I can be a friend worth having and someone that is willing to give of myself and my time to those who need it.  Being an example, shinning the Light of the One who created me and gave me life and salvation.  It’s a daily processes, I fail most of the time and other times I think I have it and then realize that I missed an important component.  But just as with nursing school…it’s one day at a time.  That’s the only way it can be.  I will succeed.  I will make it…one day at a time.

My goals for this year…to actually start eating more healthy ~ not just one or two days at a time; to read my Bible more often and pray ~ building a relationship (gasp) with the One I KNOW loves me regardless; to get into shape and keep my body as healthy as possible as this invisible disease (MS) attacks me from the inside out.  Life is worth it.  Relationships are worth it.  It’s just has to be taken…’one day at a time’.

ERM

Ah!  I love sitting down and knowing that I have nothing what-so-ever that I have to do at this moment.  The past month or so has been beyond crazy (CAOH practice, school, work…Nine-night run of CAOH, finals, work).  I had started grinding my teeth to the point that I had hamburger for cheeks in the mornings (Hello Night Guard!!), my arm and face were numb (due to the MS), and I was telling my-self ‘just a day at a time’.  That’s really all we can do, is take it a day at a time…if we succeed that day then we can mark the day off with pride.  If we mess up and make mistakes then we just have to say ‘tomorrow’s a new day’ and face it with all the determination to do it right.  Enough about all that, I’m on VACATION!! Or have joined the hermit-hood for five days.

My mini-vaca started with a day and a-half in St. Louis.  Thursday was a monumental day…I stepped into a store that was something other than Wal-Mart for the first time in four months.  I live in a part of the world that it’s a good two hours to get to any type of shopping; and every time that I attempted to get out of town for a day something came up…or more often than not my bed held more appeal to me than getting into a vehicle and driving for two hours.  I hit goodwill, Plato’s closet, TJMax…all the good stores that are easy on the pocket book but still have good deals.  I topped Thursday night off with dinner with Mel (we viewed pics from her trip to Vietnam and caught up) and then some quiet TV time.

Friday morning I went to see my neurologist, to see how things were going with my central nervous system.  He was happy with were I was, I passed the sobriety style test (touch nose with finger, then touch dr finger; walk a straight line heel to toe; muscle strength, etc.)…he wants me to keep up with the gym/exercise/and diet.  I just need to get committed and do this without delays.  Regardless, this is my life and health that I’m dealing with.

I left St. Louis and headed to Columbia.  More discount stores, goodwills, and consignment shops.  I have fallen in love with Columbia.  It’s a small-big city, with a lot of character.  I stepped into a mall for the first time today (Saturday) ~ CRAZY.  It was a little crowded.  I can’t imagine why, it’s only eight days before Christmas…but wow, I had forgotten how crazy it could be.  But a cool thing happened, I went to the food court to find some substance so I could continue on my way and I sat down to eat and a girl I went to college with at Gateway (who lives in Mexico, MO) came up and asked if I wanted to join her and her daughter.  We haven’t seen one another in awhile…it was cool, and great to catch up.  It’s a small world we live in!!

I ate Indian food for the first time on Friday night with Dust-Man.  We meet at the India House in COMO.  It’s not what I was expecting at all.  The appetizer we had was great (cheese stuffed bread, can’t go wrong there); but my actual food was a spinach/chicken dish…that basically looked like baby food with chunks in it.  It wasn’t very stove hot when it came out, so I was eating lukewarm baby food.  It was o.k., but maybe next time I’ll try something new with someone that knows what to order. :)  No more baby food!!

I went to Devil’s Icebox today (Sat, Dec 17).  It’s part of the Rock Bridge Mark Twain National Forest Park.  It was pretty cool.  There are trails everywhere and they’ve built a board walk through the wood that you can follow, and you get miles and step climbing that made for a great work-out for the day.  I was a little disappointed that I wasn’t allowed down into where the cave was, but it was still pretty cool.  Want to come back when it’s a little warmer and I have a companion, so in-case I get turned around I won’t be alone, nor be lost for ever without anyone knowing. :)

I passed my first semester of RN school.  I came out with two B’s.  I’m a little bummed, but hey they are better than C’s and I will accept them at this point.  I just have to try harder next semester, and the fact that I get to continue is GREAT.  Looking forward to next semester, we’re going into Mental Health and Med Surge.

I have two days left of my vacation, i.e. hermit-hood.  One will be spent on travel.  It’s been a good weekend.  Good time off.  Now to buckle down and get as much work in as possible, save some money, and get ready to head back to school in three weeks.  Fill some scholarship forms out…and find a pot of gold!

Here’s to relaxation, vacation, old/new friends…it’s what life is all about sometimes!!  Now I need to go put all my receipts in my check-book and see where I stand financially! :)

ERM

It’s finally upon us…Christmas At Our House.  I cannot believe that we only have TWO days of practice left before opening night.  Are we ready…that makes me laugh right out loud.  We lost our Oswald last week, and obtained a new actor for the part this past Monday.  It’s been an interesting ride so far, getting ready for this massive family reunion we have the first week of December…but as always, it will be worth it.  I LOVE CAOH, and I’m really excited that I was able to be a part of it this year (on the stage).  Here’s to keeping sanity for the next two weeks! <clink, clink>

Now onto other subjects.  I have two test left of my first semester of RN school.  TWO TEST.  Of course I have to pass the test (and should actually be studying instead of making a blog post about it), but looking back over the past four months I’m in awe.  It has been a roller coaster ride that I wasn’t really prepared for, but I’ve learned a lot and I have a lot more to learn.  I’m comfortable in what I’ve done so far, but still scared spit-less to some degree when I think about it all.  I have three semesters left, more than likely filled with as much stress as I had this past one…but it will be worth it and I’m looking forward to walking across the stage (Lord willing) and being ‘pinned’ with my nursing pin.

I have TWO weeks before I take a mini-vacation to parts unknown.  Well possible not ‘unknown’ just foreign to me since school started.  I get to go to STL, with a side trip to COMO!!  I’m more than excited.  I haven’t seen a mall in four months.  I haven’t been able to people watch or relax. Of course my vacation is kickin’ off with a visit to my neurologist, but as long as I can walk a straight line and touch my nose…things should be good. :)  I’m looking forward to this…and excited to be able to see some friends.

Need to wrap this up and get going on some homework…then work…then practice…then work again.  I have Count Dracula from Sesame Street in my head; he says we have TWO days (ah, ah, ah), TWO TEST (ah, ah, ah), TWO weeks (ah, ah, ah)…we have TWO. :)

Later,

ERM