Ah, life has a funny way of reminding one of their humanness — their mortality. It was a normal day in the ER, things were crazy, I was running in circles (or at least felt like I was). The ambulance crews thought we had one of those cool revolving doors you see at fancy businesses or hotels and they were seeing how fast they could make it spin — you know like when you were kids and you and your friend would get in a section and make it go fast to see if you could keep up with the door turning. We had ambulances, paramedics and people everywhere. People were in and out and it was getting hard to remember who you had where and what was really going on…then you land a patient that brings reality so close to home that you fail the test of being nice. I know you are probably shocked that that happens…but I am just being real here, sometimes I fail.
I’ve had one other episode of this since working here, it was a day where all my patients were in some stage of cancer treatment then I got a septic patient that the family had to make decisions about…which brought home the day my aunt passed away and we were the family that was in/out of the ER then the ICU room. When you have to avert your eyes, or stare at the ceiling for a few minutes to gain your composure before you turn and speak to the family or the patient. When reality burst in with guns blazing, and you can’t do anything about it.
This day the reality that I faced was the affects of MS (Multiple Scerolsis), and how it can change your life and there is nothing you can do about it. It is an incurable disease that happens to individuals with no rhyme or reason. My brother and I both have been told we had the symptoms of this disease (recently a fried of mine has said to speak positive and not claim that you ‘have’ something, but that you have been told that you have the symptoms and not to claim ownership — though some days those signs and symptoms rear their ugly head and make you want to have them repoed by the bank). Knowing that what I was assisting could be my family member (or even myself) in the future. Part of me hurt for the family I was helping, part of me hurt for my own family, and the other part of me was just sad and angry. Knowing that there was NOTHING in my power to prevent this, or to change the reality of the situation. I am a nurse, I am supposed to fix things and make things better…but sometimes the reality is that you can’t.
I then was asked to give Tylenol for a basic headache to another patient…after just getting an EMS, being told I had report due, and we were on surge 2 and I was working my corner of the world by myself at the moment. I lashed out at the physician and told them to order whatever they wanted, they were my preverbal dog. Only they did not know the why of the lashing, or the possible future that was unfolding before my eyes…and that is when I failed.
I failed at being positive. I failed at not letting life get the upper hand. I failed at keeping my faith strong. I failed at believing God was in control. I failed at not letting my work affect me personally and it affect how I react. I failed at letting my feelings rule the moment and letting stress and the crazy rule. I failed, pure and simple. The doctor had NO IDEA what he walked into when he stepped into my bubble at that moment to ask me to take care of someone that was my responsibility to make sure they were comfortable and their needs were met. I failed my patient.
Life can be crazy sometimes. This is a reality that everyone knows. But sometimes we fail to remember that there are things that people are facing that we have no idea about. We judge our waitress or waiter for being in a bad mood. If the clerk behind the counter isn’t 100% we post on social media bout how terrible they were. When we see someone we know and we think they are ignoring us, we then tell everyone how stuck up they are and rude. What we fail to remember or even think about is what that person is going through in that exact moment, what they may have faced two minutes ago, or what life decisions they are facing that has their mind occupied. What we can do is…be kind. Give them the benefit of a doubt.
The following scripture was a memory through facebook today, Romans 4:20-21 states, “He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God; and being fully persuaded that, what he had promised, he was able also to perform”. Sometimes I stagger, I fail, I struggle, I question, and I have difficulties believing the truth that has been spoken through individuals in my life and the Word of God. This reminded me that He has promised and He is able to perform those promises…I just have to not lose sight of the promise and keep the faith, believing that it is truth. If I am able to do this, then on the days that reality comes knocking and rears it’s ugly head, I will not fail the test. I will stay strong, and I will make it through the situation and in the end testify of His faithfulness and love — regardless of how the promise is fulfilled (sometimes God answers differently than we has humans like, but it is still an answer as He sees fit).