Warning…long post. I write to work through what is in my head/heart. This week has been a point that a healing scar (pink scar) was bumped, and I realized that it was still a little fresh. Everyone has lost someone in their life…sometimes the loss impacts us more than other times. Whether it be through death, divorce, broken friendships, or relationships that didn’t work out or where trust was broken.
Healing. Sometimes is quick, the wound scabs over, then the scab peels off and you have new fresh skin. Sometimes it’s weeks, you may have to have a cast and do therapy for a broken bone, it can take weeks. Other times it can be months, if you had open heart surgery with an open chest healing process. Scars are left…until they turn white and show complete healing, they can be tender and cause pain.
This past week marked one year and six month anniversary of January 25, 2017. The more important date was four days earlier, the twenty-first…the day my family lost my Aunt Claudette.
Have we experienced losses before? Of course, every family deals with loss. When I was in fourth grade I lost my Aunt Barb in an auto accident, this changed my family of four to a family of seven for several months when we took my cousins in during the beginning of their healing process. Then when I was in college, in 1999, I lost my Uncle Alden in an auto accident. The situation was stressful because it took three days to get confirmation of the accident and to find the car, and verify the body. My family seldom talks of this, or of him still to this day. I then moved in with my aunt to help with my cousin through that summer following graduation in 2000. I had other losses, grand parents that were expected. Then 2012 came, we lost my dad’s best friend Pat (and my go to starter repair guy, who instilled in me the comfort of the smell of grease from my days spent in his shop growing up) to a heart attack. A month later we lost both my maternal (Bill) and paternal (Sam) grandfathers within a day of one another (9/26, 9/27). One expected, one a total surprise.
So, yes, I knew loss. I’ve dealt with loss. Faced it and moved forward…then January 21, 2017, happened. I should have known the signs of sepsis. Should have made the decision to call the EMS crew when I first arrived to my aunts house. I had been told for the two weeks prior as the port was placed and chemo started that “day ten” would be the worst day. I asked about signs/symptoms to look for, to expect…but was never given definite answers. The nurse in me was not provided with the what if scenarios. No select all that apply options, or case study results.
That day I not only lost my aunt, I lost a patient that I assisted in working the code on. Normally I work a patient, package them and send them on…this time I followed the ambulance to the hospital after assisting EMS in getting her stabilized. It happens, I know this in my head…but my heart scar is still raw.
While at work this week my heart scar was bumped when two of my four patients were cancer patients and the third one that slid into the bay between them was septic…to the point of coma, brought in my EMS. You think you have the scar healed, the emotions neatly packaged and closed away…until you are faced with a scenario that brings it all back. I know in my head that He has a plan, and the there is stuff beyond our comprehension (through the glass darkly), but it still doesn’t make the mortal man (feelings) easier.
I know I’m healing, but I realized there is still some pinkness in this scar. The bump on the scar let me know healing is a process to be embraced and to keep going one step in front of another. Things may could have been done differently that day, but it is what it is.
As with that scar, there are other scars from other relationships that have altered and changed over the years…I will continue putting Neosporin on them through loving self and living to the best of my ability. Until they turn white and have complete healing…they will define my life and who I am today.
Love those around you, let them know it. Send the flowers, take time to text, smile. Heal.