You know when you have one of those days…when after a week of them you hear the mantra of the song from your child hood playing through your head; ‘nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms’. Today was that day. The culmination of all the stress of the past week caught up and I would rather be on a pile of dirt digging for worms than anything else. So I decided to write about it.
My life is good. I know that. I’m semi-healthy, I have a great family, I can laugh, I can definitely cry, and I have great friends. But sometimes the frustration outweighs the good for just a moment. But a person still smiles. The mantra going through your head at that point is ‘hold head up, smile, let them think things are great’. Be strong. But in the end, I’m just human. I fail. I fall. I don’t smile. I am sometimes rude (some of you are saying…all the time). I don’t always live up to what I’m supposed to be, do, think, act like, or represent as Christ like. I’m human, and being human…I’m a sinner. We’ve all sinned and come short, but fortunately for us God loves us. Regardless of what state he finds us in. We’re still one of His children and He gives us the strength to hold our head up and be strong…to yes, even smile.
My world lately.
Work has been nerve racking and stressful. That’s all I’m going to say about that…because, well work is work.
In my world outside of work, I was refinancing my home to try and lower my payments so I could go through this next nine months of school without worrying so much about finances. Stress from school is stress enough…money issues just add a bonus of a cherry on top. So in the process of refinancing my home, I get a call from a relator that had previously looked at my house, she had the perfect person for my home (my house is not listed or on the market); could they come see it. THEY LOVED IT. They loved it so much they signed a contract for it that night. I LOVED THEM. This is something that I have been praying for about for a very long time. I was very excited, and could feel the stress slipping away.
It was all good until about 9:00 am the next morning. They emailed the relator to tell her they didn’t want it. Not only did they not want it (though it was a binding contract, no ‘get out of jail free’ clauses or 48 hour back-out options) they also didn’t want to lose their assureity money they put down the night before. So they deflated my balloon, and took away the helium tank in the process. Their claim was that they thought I would be a good Christian girl and just let it go. My shinning light went out when I got that call…my faith was tested because this is something I had prayed for for so long. We ended up dividing the money in half, because if I didn’t sign the paper it would have just went to probate and the state would have gotten the lump sum; and they were not willing to let me have all of it. Sometimes being labeled is hard to live up to.
I figured I would fall back on my original plan of refinance. Well, to get an appraisal on a house they compare it to others in the neighborhood that are currently on the market. My house came in short of what I needed to wrap everything into a neat little package. I would have to come up with some extra mula ($$) to cover closing cost and the shortness of what is currently owed on my home. STRIKE TWO. My parents of course decided that they could step in and help me out…me putting them more in debt. Makes a girl want to go eat worms.
I read other people’s blogs. Some of them are all bubble gum and lollipops. Mine right now is about life. How sometimes it doesn’t go as planned. It’s rough. It makes one want to eat worms…because we are human.
I know deep down that I have a God that loves me, He knows the reason behind everything that I went through the past week. The roller coaster called ‘Life’. One day, I’ll see the bigger picture.
And, yes, I know…that these matters are trivial to what some people are facing. I KNOW I am blessed. I have my health (what it is), I have family, I have a great church family. My life is good. But I am human…and being human some days you just feel like eating worms. Tomorrow, I will count my blessings…having a roof over my head, my job, a family that loves me, and knowing that yes even though I see my life as ‘grrr’ at the moment I am good.
But for now…my plate has worms.