What I need…not what I wanted :: Life and Times of Leish

What I need…not what I wanted

If you read below you see that I balanced my checkbook the other day, well as is sometimes apt to happen the numbers in the register weren’t looking so well.  I had some bills that were due in order to keep my ‘agreements’ with the different businesses; so I knew that checks had to be sent.  Well, I have a balance in my head of what I ‘need’ in order to be out of debt with everyone (except for my house payment), and to be honest I’ve prayed for that amount to miraculously to show up in my mailbox or some random stranger to walk up and hand me a check.  On Wednesday of last week, my grandpa (not some random stranger) came up to me and handed me some money…was it the ‘balance’ that I’ve been praying for, no, but it was what I needed to be able to pay my bills that were due at that time and not overdraw my account.  God knows what we need, it may not be exactly what we ‘want’, but He will supply our ‘needs’ and keep us going.  He’s pretty awesome like that. :)

I started this post last Wednesday night…before church, and then I shut it down and headed off to worship because I was running late.  Tonight I needed to remind myself how good God is so I opened my computer and completed the story about what I ‘need’ and not what I wanted.  Why?  Because as I laid in bed and tried to sleep my mind was being attacked by thoughts of a situation that happened well over a year ago now, and memories were flooding in that were causing me to go down paths in my mind that are pretty detrimental to a persons psych.  God knew what I needed to happen then, just as He knew what I needed last week…He’s the same yesterday, today, and forever.  Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves of that.

Today I was talking to a friend of mine, and she was talking about how she just found out that I have MS and was asking how I was doing and discussing the fact that satan is doing all that he can to come against us; and she mentioned that fact that I hadn’t had an opportunity to live my life yet.  I’m thirty-three years old.  I have a BA in Christian Education; I’ve traveled to three other continents; been to seven countries other than the US; and have traveled the US pretty extensively.  Am I married – no, do I have children – no (and I have no clue if I can even have children, or will be able to); but I think I have lived a pretty good life.  I have a great family, I am currently working on my second degree (going for nursing this time), and I have some life experiences that are both good and bad — I’ve had the opportunity to love, gain and lose friendships and love, and to go through with the knowledge that I am loved unconditionally by God and He gives me free will to make mistakes that I learn from (and sometimes that I think I need to learn from time and time again — which doesn’t make things easier)…and He extends his mercy and grace to me when I stumble and fall.  And if He never heals me, I know that He’s a healer because He’s done it in the past and He continues to heal people even today…but He’s still God and He LOVES me — regardless.

He knows what I NEED, even if it’s not what I want.  He’s good like that!


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